Alternative titles: Anime was a Mistake
Light Novel Adaptation by J.C. Staff
Streaming on Funimation

Premise

In the future, wars are fought by giant robot death balls covered in lasers and missiles. There’s no way you could fuck up a premise that fun right?

Gee’s verdict: Light on Both Style and Substance

In universe, it’s explained that the Objects’ armor is so effective because it’s layered thousands of times. Jesus Christ Japan, just because it worked for your mediocre swords doesn’t mean that’s even remotely how actual armor works. That alone should probably give you an indication of what kind of show Heavy Object is. Like many a piece of Japanese entertainment media, Heavy Object has a fantastically interesing premise going for it. The spectacle of giant robot gun platforms going at it is one rife with exciting potential. To its credit, going with massive gun platforms instead of the usual humanoid mecha is a distinct departure from the norm, and one that’s highly appreciated. But like many a piece of Japanese entertainment media, it flubs the execution and presentation. Not a single character in the show is remotely interesting, and any goodwill the show had with its ideas are washed away by its bland protagonists and unnecessary fanservice.

And believe me, I get that Heavy Object isn’t meant to be taken seriously. I mean the geopolitics of the first episode alone don’t make a lick of sense. Why in god’s name would monarchy and landed elite return in response to 50 meter tall robot death balls? How can you have a global Cold War situation where the various factions aren’t even divided by geographic lines? Even as a silly romp, Heavy Object simply isn’t entertaining enough to carry it through.

Iro’s verdict: Heavily Objectionable

I was either bored or disgusted during this entire episode’s running time. Apart from the usual anime bullshit like uninteresting characters, gross fanservice, and blatant shilling of Japan’s greatness (IT EVEN SURVIVED A NUKE, WOW OUR TRADITIONALLY-MADE FOLDED-500-TIMES ARMOR SURE IS GREAT) the writing suffers from a terminal case of Light Novel Dialogue. Every line is clumsy, on-the-nose exposition, with characters repeatedly telling each other things they clearly already know. Heavy Object is garbage, do not watch.

Zigg’s verdict: Heavy Handed

If you’re going to centre your entire universe and storytelling around crazy future tech, you actually need to make sure that tech is interesting and engaging. Giant balls with lots and lots of guns on them are neither interesting nor do they look cool, which means this show already fails my basic test for military or mecha anime. Add to that the laughable dialogue, which gobs exposition and character traits in a way which would be unfair to call ‘development’ and it’s really apparent this isn’t show that’s big on quality storytelling. But don’t worry, if you made it through all that you too can glory in a girl being crushed to death while the camera gazes at her boobs in one of the most tasteless sequences I’ve ever seen. Throw it on the trash heap.