Alternative titles: Rail Wars! Nihon Kokuyū Tetsudō Kōantai
Light Novel Adaptation by Passione
Streaming on Crunchyroll

Premise

In an alternate universe where Japan’s rail system is still run by the government, a bunch of high school kids join the train security force.

Iro’s verdict: something something Loco Motive

Other than the obvious inclination towards train otaku, Rail Wars is almost entirely unremarkable, featuring walking light novel stereotypes within the usual 14-20 anime age range and plenty of clichés (like the ever-popular accidental groping). About the only thing I can really put in its favor is the quick pacing of the first episode, which skips much of the high school buffoonery and fast tracks our heroes into their job as security officers. Alas, considering what we’ve been shown so far, I imagine the rest of the series will continue to involve long train rides to catch bit street criminals.

Aqua’s verdict: Opium for the Masses

A group of railroad security officials fighting a terrorist organization hell-bent on privatizing the rail system sounds exactly like the hilariously Bolshevik alternative to the cringeworthy right-wing bullshit of Mahouka and other conservative hogwash we’ve had shoved down our throats recently anime needs. Sadly enough, Rail Wars takes its completely idiotic premise and plays it completely straight. No crazy train chases or locomotives that turn into robots wielding the hammer and sickle to be seen here, for Rail Wars expects its insufferably niche target audience to both have a strong stomach for light novel clichés and an unhealthy interest in trains. It is train trivia of the most insignificant variety poorly disguised as a romantic comedy, with incessant technobabble taking precedence over characterization, humour or anything remotely resembling a plot. It’s colourless, soulless, numbing, boring dross for obsessive, easily entertained train otaku, a suicidally specific subcategory of sad nerds I simply have no aspirations of ever belong to.

The plot of this pilot is all over the place, cramming exposition, tired ‘romantic comedy’ banalities, training montages and a completely idiotic crime busting into a single episode, to the point where the Thatcherite villains don’t even get to show up yet. In stead, our heroes, Milquetoast Male Protagonist, Large-breasted Useless Waifu, Wacky Best Bro Guy and Violent Man-hating Tsundere, try to stop the most insignificant robbery in anime history by catching up with the  two most generic anime thugs in history… on a train, of course. Naturally, we don’t get to see any of the chase, for this time is entirely wasted on our hero blurting out random statistics to prove that the train they’re about to hop on to will definitely be able to outrun the train the robbers escaped on. How anyone could commit this idea to paper without even remotely considering the only way any decent writer could go with this plot, i.e. making it completely ridiculous, is entirely beyond me. The ways of the light novel author are mysterious indeed, comrades, but I, for one, have no aspirations to figure them out.

Marlin’s verdict: The Costumes Were Nice?

I mean I think Aqua is going a little overboard, but this is certainly not the greatest show out there. It’s inoffensive enough that I could see someone enjoying it for the characters and set pieces. Gainax girl could stand to be a bit less of a waif, but props for a show actually having the girl take the initiative for once. As I put in the verdict, I do like the costume designs. Not enough shows pay attention to making their uniforms actually interesting. It’s nice to see them take the time to make them look good, and add enough permutations to allow each character to make it their own. As for all the train stuff, my brother was a big train buff back in the day, so I know those kind of people would eat this shit up. It’s absolutely ridiculous that they would run all the way to the station the perps fled to instead of like, Idno, giving the station some security camera photos and having their personal team handle it? Seemed like the kind of waste of taxpayer money that would give Rush Limbaugh a heart attack.

Life’s verdict: Nerdy

Rail way fantasies are not really my thing. Going into this I was worried I would need to know all about trains to get anything out of it and I’m happy to say that hasn’t been the case so far. That said, this show really loves its trains and it isn’t going hide that fact. Rail Wars plays its setting straight and I haven’t decided if I like that or not yet. The cast is made up of a team of 4 students taking on the job training to become train security agents. I see potential for the characters to become interesting and they are at least likeable enough if a bit generic. As I mentioned before, I don’t know that much about trains so the rail way fantasy doesn’t mean that much to me on its own. I felt like this first episode did a good job of teaching basic train facts. I liked the way it was introduced through character actions instead of an info dump. Overall I wasn’t too excited by the first episode, but I feel like it was well made and I did enjoy it. I am hoping for the best going forward.