Hi, I’m Artemis McBishiehots. You may remember me from such high quality articles as All Your Honies, and it’s a pleasure – nay, a privilege – to be handing out the awards tonight for the most memorable males who graced the screen in 2015. What, you thought all my dreams would wither like dried-up flowers without the hunks from Free! around to help water them? Worry not, for there are plenty of other male characters just waiting for their chance in the spotlight – so grab a glass of champagne and your classy opera glasses, all the better to enjoy the veritable banquet on display, and get ready for a night of glitz, glam, and boys boys boys!
Best Dressed Award
Let’s start off the awards ceremony in style, shall we? With so many anime titles set in and around school, it’s difficult sometimes to get a good look at a man out of uniform and in something a little flashier. Luckily, we had Blood Blockade Battlefront to come to the rescue. Who doesn’t appreciate the allure of a crisp white collared shirt paired with the classic necktie, perhaps accentuated with a dapper waistcoat? The clear winner of this year’s Best Dressed Award is Klaus V Reinherz, who pulls off the business gentleman look with aplomb – no mean feat given those very distinctive sideburns and fang-like underbite. Take note, boys; unless you’ve got a really good reason for being underdressed, showing off a tastefully sophisticated wardrobe like this makes for an excellent first impression.
Bag of Glitter Award
Moving on from the smartly understated to the ostentatious and sparkly, 2015’s Bag of Glitter Award goes to the one and only Hazama from Young Black Jack – the genius surgeon with an alleged heart of gold and a definite diamond shimmer. Proving that you don’t need to be anywhere near the water to flaunt glistening abs and gleaming pecs, Hazama quite literally outshone the rest of the competition this year, looking for all the world like something of a cross between a sports star and a magical-girl. Pretty impressive for a back-alley doctor, right? Careful before you tap that though, ladies – he’ll probably ask you to pay for it, and if so it certainly won’t be cheap.
Improbably Buff Teen Award
Unfortunately for Hazama, he’s a little old to be in the running for this award despite those oversized (and oft-flaunted) muscles, so this makes our next winner a shoo-in. Ladies and gents, a big round of applause for Takeo from My Love Story!!, who not only towers both above and around everyone else thanks to his sheer bulk, but is also known to flaunt it from time to time in a pair of daisy dukes. I’m not sure whether to be awed or slightly alarmed by Takeo’s complete lack of embarrassment, and I’m a little old myself to be leering at a high schooler, but it is pretty refreshing to see that kind of unselfconsciousness in a teenager. Clearly it’s working out for Bro Café Macho too – I sure hope Takeo’s getting paid well for it.
Most Likely to Star in a Porno Award
Takeo may limit his potential income by sticking to cafés like the wholesome boy he is, but other anime characters this year were clearly ready to try their hand at working the evening shift. This year’s fairly self-explanatory Most Likely to Star in a Porno Award goes to none other than Karamatsu of Osomatsu-san! Because when cool shades and black leather jackets don’t quite cut it, a white dressing gown and gold chain is sure to score you the role – and between the cheesy sound effects (ohhh yeahhh) and the fact that he actually showed up to Totoko’s room dressed like that, I’m pretty sure Karamatsu has found his life’s calling.
Seen and Not Heard Award
On the opposite end of the scale we have the illustrious Seen and Not Heard Award – because let’s be honest, we all know the illusion of a perfect man can be ruined the second he opens his mouth. However, there are usually at least a few men out there who seem to purposefully cultivate the whole strong but silent stereotype, which may well appeal to those on the lookout for a dash of mystery with their man-meat. If glasses also just happen to be your thing, then you’ll be overjoyed to hear that the clear winner of this unique award is the one and only Suguru from Non Non Biyori! What’s he thinking? Do his talents extend to singing as well as playing guitar? Does he actually prefer cat girls? Nobody knows… and that’s what makes it all the more fun to guess! The guy may not have a single word of dialogue, but as the saying goes, still waters run deep – so in Suguru’s case, very, very deep indeed.
Terrible Human Being Award
Of course, there are also a number of guys out there who should be neither seen nor heard – not because they’re necessarily lacking in the looks department, but because the world in general would probably be better off without them. This one’s often a pretty tight race, but the judges have conferred long and hard and the winner selected, so give it up for Zapp “Dick Suck” Renfro from Blood Blockade Battlefront, who makes being a hypersexual punk look disturbingly easy. Cigar? Check. Thinks he’s a ladies man? Check. Just doesn’t know when to quit? Check, check, and check. Congrats, Zapp – now quit pilfering the champagne and get the hell out.
Worst Husbando Award
There’s a subtle but important difference between the above award and this one. For one thing, the Terrible Human Being Award is limited to, well, actual human beings. For another, Worst Husbando implies that the winner might actually want to settle down with the girl of his dreams rather than continuing to play the field. Sadly for the girl, this is unlikely to be a good thing; introducing our winner, Dance with Devil’s Shiki! Sure, fallen angel might sound romantic, but unless you’re really, really into sadomasochism and also don’t mind getting hitched to someone dangerously unstable, I can’t think anyone better suited to this award. Think psychotic man-child crossed with crazy axe-murderer, only with supernatural powers and one of the most annoying voices in existence just to add to the flavour. … I think I’d rather marry Zapp.
Most Eligible Bachelor Award
And finally, our last and most coveted prize of the evening. Every year, male anime characters are put through rigorous examination by our committee to uncover the best of the best, with only one caveat – they must be unattached. The debate was fierce, but the votes are in and it’s time for the big announcement. And the winner is… drum roll, please… Suna, from My Love Story!! This is what they call the complete package; handsome, intelligent, polite, and a total bro, it’s pretty easy to see why Suna’s milkshakes bring all the girls to the yard. Remarkably, his Facebook status is still showing up as ‘single’, so show off your best moves while you still can, ladies – just keep in mind that his first kiss has already been taken.