First Look: Winter 2017 Anime Shorts

chitosefaceYou ever had that one kid at your school? You know, that one kid who’s so cool he wears his dumbass cargo shorts even in winter? Pious zealot of the Church of Nü-Metal and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater who’s so thoroughly downed the kool-aid he’d rather freeze his first leg hairs off before putting on some proper trousers? Of course you had. Point is, shorts are even more annoying in winter than they are throughout the rest of the year and that’s no different in anime. Low-budget adaptations of Z-list source material in a season known for unadulterated garbage, what could possibly go wrong? The answer is a lot. A whole lot.

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Piacevole

Alternate title(s): Piacevole: Watashi no Italian
Anime original by Zero-G
Simulcast on Crunchyroll

Premise

Starry-eyed Morina Nanase gets herself a job at Trattoria Festa, an Italian restaurant managed by a bratty pint-sized chef and also boobs.

Aqua’s Verdict: Vaffanculo

Any trattoria without middle-aged waiter standing at the door and screaming about how his pizza is way better than that tripe concocted by the other guy screaming the exact same things from the other side of the street is not a real Italian restaurant. Then again, this is also a trattoria that claims to serve iberico ham (which is Spanish) and where the waiters wear Tiroler outfits for some inexplicable reason, so the credibility is out of the window no matter which way you look at it. What I’m saying is, don’t watch this if you’re looking for authenticity. Or originality, really. Or, like, humour. Or something nice to look at. At least the saltimbocca looked nice, in a like early 2000’s discount bookstore cookbook kind of way.

Jel’s Verdict: Chopped

I’m a dumb, uncultured American and I can’t make Italian jokes like Aqua, so I’ll just say there’s not much to see here. I’ll give them credit for getting straight to the point and putting our main character right to work, but I’m guessing this is going to be a completely self indulgent excuse for the creators to geek out about Italian food. As to why anyone would want to watch a short anime to fill that particular need as opposed to say going to out to a restaurant, picking up a cookbook, or watching Food Network, is beyond me. Nevertheless, if you fit that very small demographic this show has you covered.

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Chiruran 1/2

Alternate title(s): Chiruran: Nibun no Ichi
Manga adaptation by LandQ studios
Simulcast on Crunchyroll

Premise

During the final years of the Shogunate, the Shinsenumi were an elite band of assassins police squad infamous for their cold blooded ruthlessness honour and bravery. In this anime, however, they’re a bunch of dorks who call each other perverts all the time. History is fun!

Aqua’s Verdict: Why Does This Exist?

Hay, you know why they call this anime Chiruran 1/2? Because it has just enough time to get half of a joke in! With an opening and ending sequence together spanning over a minute, Chiruran 1/2 is one of these shows too short to judge, though what is there isn’t exactly exciting. Being a spin-off of a manga yet to receive an anime, this supposedly humorous reinterpretation of Shinsengumi history doesn’t so much send up actual events as it sends up the characters as they are presented in the manga, reducing the potential audience to… well, pretty much no one. As a DVD extra to a new manga volume or even a quick cash grab after a successful anime adaptation, Chiruran 1/2 would have a point. But as a parody stripped of its very subject, its existence is hard to justify.

Jel’s Verdict: Half an Idea

I feel like I have way too little context to judge what this show even is. If it’s supposed to be a parody spin-off of another series, then I could see how this might be a fun thing for fans. The OP would actually be pretty funny as it shows the cute tiny versions of the characters trying to be all serious and what not. I certainly hope that’s the case, because as a stand alone episode this is a waste of time, and it’s only 2 minutes long as is.

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One Room

Anime original by TYPHOON GRAPHICS
Simulcast on Crunchyroll

Premise

A random girl who moved in next door talks to you (yes, you) about her extremely interesting life as a totally average high school student, while you (yes, you) ogle her so admirably she asks if she can check out your room.

Aqua’s Verdict: First Person Embarrassment

Ever head of Summer Lesson? You know, that supremely creepy VR game they keep bringing out just in case you’re not convinced enough already that the arrival of virtual reality would make the Hindenburg disaster look like a fun family outing? This is basically that, expect here you don’t even have to tilt your head anymore if you want to gawk at the perky bosoms of nubile damsels. Filmes entirely from a first person perspective, One Room puts viewers in the smelly loafers of an average joe being chatted up by a girl so naive she doesn’t crack his skull as soon a his eyes drift towards her chest within five seconds of meeting her. Eventually the two bond over their mutual lack of anything remotely resembling humanity, though at that point, you’re probably dead already. Witness the very platonic ideal of everything wrong with anime, or spend your four minutes on literally anything else, such as…

  • listening to “Death with Dignity” by Sufjan Stevens, which is exactly four minutes long;
  • properly brushing your teeth, twice;
  • taking a shower just long enough to consume a volume of water equal to flushing the toilet once;
  • reading this article on the fall of Aleppo, which is only marginally more miserable than this show is.

You can thank me later.

Jel’s Verdict: Only the Lonely

It makes me a little sad that there is a large enough group of people that are so desperate for basic human interaction that another group of people decided a series like this was worth creating. Did I say sad? I meant angry. Get out of the house and talk to someone, it’s not that hard. Or stop complaining so much that someone thinks you’ll buy this.

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Nyanko Days

Manga adaptation by Quatre Stella
Simulcast on Crunchyroll

Premise

Tomoko Koganai is a shy girl whose only three friends are the adorable cats she has at home… except they’re NOT CATS.

Aqua’s Verdict: Those Aren’t Cats

The cats… They’re people. They’re not cats. They’re just tiny people wearing cat ears. The cats are people! Why hasn’t anyone noticed that the CATS are just TINY PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE CATS. THEY’RE NOT CATS THEY’RE PEOPLE YUUKO YOU FILTHY SLAVE KEEPING WRETCH WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING O––

Jel’s Verdict: Those Are People

You know what? I should have just used my powers as Supreme Emperor of GLORIO to veto the shorts post this season. Why are the cats actually people? Why aren’t they just cats? Why would a person want to keep people-cats? Why does this show exist? These are questions that I just don’t want to answer.

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Forest Fairy Five

Alternate title(s): Mori no Yousei: Kinoko no Musume
Recycled Unity Engine assets Picture book adaptation by fuck if I know
Simulcast on Crunchyroll

Premise

Hey Hand Shakers, Kemono Friends, how many levels of godawful CGI animation would you say you’re on? Five? Six? You are like little baby. Watch this.

Aqua’s Verdict: I Don’t Even Know Anymore

It’s 2017, sentient Cheetos can be President of the United States and your failed Steam Greenlight project can become an anime. Welcome to the unfathomable world of Forest Fairy Five. The camera clips through the environment. The voice acting is phoned-in, and I mean literally recorded using a phone, feedback and all. The narrator thinks moe anthropomorphizations are called “animes”. You know, like your dad. Forest Fairy Five has to be seen to be believed. It is conceptual art. It elevates ineptitude to an aesthetic, thriving on mind-boggling, semi-improvisational anti-humour so unfeasible it comes just short of being brilliant. It makes Kawaiikochans look like fucking Michelangelo, and it is by far the funniest thing you’ll see all season. This is what we deserve. David Bowie is dead. Princess Leia is dead. Anime is dead. I am dead. Nothing matters anymore. Kebabs.

Jel’s Verdict: Please Buy a Pop Filter

This seemed like someone recorded a podcast or something and then decided to add bad CG graphics over everyone talking. Like, I’m pretty sure I heard the actresses accidentally brushing up to the microphone. Seriously guys, get a pop filter. The poor audio is just a small detail though, the rest of the show is literally three of the “anime-chans” standing around talking about fashion and desserts. There’s must be something I’m missing, there’s no way someone could make something this bad and let it be seen by people around the world without some other kind of hook, right?

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