We’ve been talking about toys for a LONG time here at GLORIO. All Your Monies is pretty much the only feature that’s run continuously (er, more or less) since the blog’s inception and as a result we’ve seen a lot of stuff come and go. Some of the has been great, fabulously cute, beautiful, well-crafted toys that would please adults and kids alike. That’s not what we’re here to talk about. Instead, let’s look back on some of the abominations we’ve had to endure in half a decade of moulded plastic. Warning, NSFW!
Shiro: Swimsuit Style (No Game No Life)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of December 9th 2015
Zigg: Do I even need to say anything? Just look at her! Normally on AYM our objections to figures are more based on moral or economic factors rather than the actual execution of a sculpt. but this thing hits the holy trinity of awful – it’s gross on an ethical level, it looks absolutely hideous, and it cost more than thirteen thousand yen. You’d actually have to pay me to even approach this thing rather than running away as fast as i humanly could. God help us all.
All those terrible Asuna figures (Sword Art Online)
Aqua: Every anime heroine has an embarrassing figure or two buried in her MyFigureCollection profile, but few has been as thoroughly humiliated and denigrated as Asuna. Throughout her appearances on All Your Monies, Sword Art Online’s heroine has been tied up, reduced to a sobbing mess, sent back to the kitchen and posed with her nether regions front and center more times than we can count. Fitting for a character who’s all but become a synonym for the treatment of female characters in anime, but hardly something to be proud of. Luckily for all the perverts, companies like Chara-Ani and Max Factory seemed to disagree, and offer figures for pretty much every bit of character assassination the poor girl has gone through.
Remember how Asuna – one of the strongest fighters in all of Aincrad – invested all of her skill points in cooking just to serve Kirito her delicious food? Why not buy Broccoli’s version, with a conveniently tossed salad covering her crotch and a face like she’s a six-year old getting caught having set the kitchen on fire? Remember how she spent the entire second season being tied up in a cage and getting her tears licked by her cackling fiancee? Max Factory’s “Captured Titania” is here to remind you! Remember how she and Kirito get married and Reki Kawahara wrote the most embarrassing sex scene in the history of fiction? Celebrate a relationship based on mutual respect and consent with Chara-Ani’s “New Wives Always Say Yes” figure. Yes, that is actually what it’s called! Remember how she promised Kirito she’d kill herself if he wouldn’t return from taking on the final boss on his own, despite only having been dating him for, like, two weeks? Yeah, there’s no figure of that, but I just wanted to point that out.
Lingerie Style Saber Premium Edition (Fate/Stay Night)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of January 5th 2015
Zigg: Is there anything more quintessentially ‘anime figure collecting’ than paying for four figures of the same character in different elaborate lingerie and then displaying them together on a satin pillow in the most creepy manner possible?
Wave: How about if they were from a Type-Moon work?
Joker Jared Leto Nendoroid (Suicide Squad)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of September 14, 2016
Aqua: Are Jared Leto’s Joker and Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn your #relationshipgoals? Invite your girlfriend over for dinner, tell her “I can’t wait to show you my toys”, then show her this and witness as the revelation drives her so bad she’ll be as “damaged” as you! See, while I can understand the idea behind Suicide Squad’s interpretation of the Joker – after all, there’s no aesthetic that screams “nihilism” better than the white trash anarcho-capitalist juggalo look Jared went for – the garish, painfully tryhard design they eventually settled on is impossible to take seriously. Good Smile’s take of Sir-Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-For-Seven-Minutes and his ridiculous tattoos ditches all of the clown prince of crime’s iconic charisma in favour of distilled edge – it’s not cute and kooky like Nendoroids are supposed to be, nor is it as twisted and disturbing as the U2 of actors would like us to think his Joker to be.
Instead, it’s legitimately terrifying for all the wrong reasons – vacant, uncanny and completely inappropriate for a goofy figure based on a cheesy superhero movie. Just look at it. or rather, don’t, if you want to sleep at night. What emotion is that face even supposed to display? Is he laughing? Excited? Shocked? Screaming? Begging you to put him out of his misery? Heck if I know, this thing is like the Mona Lisa of shitty figures. Qualitatively nor ethically is it the absolutely worst of all the crap we’ve reviewed on All Your Monies so far, but thanks to all the equally cringeworthy pomp and circumstance surrounding the performance it’s based on, it’s by far one of the most memorable. For the love of all that is holy, get this thing out of my face.
Shinobu Oshino Plain Clothes Ver. (Monogatari)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of August 17, 2015
Iro: Call the cops! Call child services! Get this out of my face! What is with anime’s obsession with this kind of shit? I’m sure there’s been worse stuff on AYM, but when Zigg asked me to think of something bad to go on this post, this was the first thing that came to mind. I find it particularly notable because it would be a totally innocent figure if they didn’t include the shoes at all, but doing so makes it insanely creepy. This is why we can’t have nice things.
Bishoujo Nina Williams (Tekken)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of June 30th 2014
Zigg: A figure so bad that Aquagaze submitted it to the Escher Girls blog, who subsequently ran a caption contest for it. An astonishing misunderstanding of what makes figures good looking or sexy, or even humanly possible. For the record I strongly prefer my women with their spines in one piece.
Every 5,000+ yen Beach Queens Figure (Various)
Originally featured in many of the AYMs in 2014
Timmy: Many moons ago before Wave started making all their money on skeevy lingerie figures, they had a expansive Beach Queens line of 1/10 scale swimsuit figures. While the line had its fair share of both scorn and praise here, it was a line I was personally happy to see exist. Wave cast such a wide net with their characters licensing and churned these out quick enough that many of the characters they produced literally had no other figures. They were also generally cheap, at least in the beginning, and often very cute.
As figure prices rose, however, Wave followed suite. And add to the problems was the fact Wave was over saturating the market resulting in the preowned market valuing these things at half, or less, the preorder price Wave was asking. People stopped preordering them so they could pick them up later at a steep discount. What did Wave do? Start making them out of polystone of course, make them exclusive, and charge 10,000 yen for them, or about the same price Gift was asking for its 1/4th scale figures at the time. I never actually found any of these premium figures in the archive, despite some being both pretty good technically and featuring characters most of us enjoyed, which leaves me to suspect our distaste for Wave’s mismanagement of the line grew so great that we just didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Shortly after that Wave killed the line all together, although the original concept appears to live on in Freeing’s 1/12th scale S-Style line, though their release speed and number of figures is much slower then what Wave was comparatively putting out in the years prior.
Komori Kamikita (Little Busters!)
Originally featured in the All Your Monies of July 22nd 2013
Zigg: OK, time to come clean. We haven’t actually been doing this for five years. It’s all been an illusion, because I surely ended my miserable existence after this figure was announced.